From “The Healing Show” Series #02: Healing Emotional Childhood Memories
EPISODE #08: Why Are They Difficult
Childhood is where most things begin. How we think and feel now have many of their origins in childhood. Inner growth work is what we do when we’re adults. We investigate ourselves, our feelings and thoughts and eventually we get back to addressing our childhood pain. Hence, this message could belong in the category of Inner Child Healing or Growth. But let’s start at the beginning: our inner child.
Most of us as children, did not get enough attention. Our parents were too concerned with themselves or they weren’t there, amidst other less nurturing scenarios. We might have been told to feel grateful for what our family gave us and we might cling to positive memories because we want to believe our parents were good even though we felt our childhood was hard.
Most people don’t do any childhood healing work because it’s too confronting. Painful times were never talked about or not allowed to be talked about. Most children, now grown up children, adults, seek attention. The less attention children receive, the more difficult an adult they generally become. This is not a straight up rule, we’re all different. In most cases, children who were neglected more, tend to be more demanding, more selfish and create more problems for others. They can be rude and aggressive, they might withdraw or they might behave very inappropriately. There are also children who are like the goody goodies, who fit in and make things easier for their family. These children, now adults, are also suffering, but nobody sees it. They don’t let others see it.
If you have a day to day personal or professional situation or special occasion, there is likely to be at least one adult who will create problems for you or others around them. They are doing this because they need attention. Badly. It doesn’t matter how mature age an adult they might be, no matter how educated, no matter how experienced or spiritual they may be, they will take any and whatever attention they can get, wherever they can get it from, whatever the detrimental cost to others. Inside they feel jealous and threatened.
If you’ve experienced a difficult person, they may do any or all of these things:
- Be late
- Be loud
- Behave inappropriately with regards to the place or occasion
- Create conflict
- Partially or fully disregard your achievements or kindness
- Talks about themselves
- Be solely concerned about their own needs while obviously failing to consider others
- Talk as though they’re the expert when they have little idea about the subject matter
- Turn up empty handed to important events
- Ignore important events
- Decide to be sick right before an occasion
- Demand that you’re instantly available for them, even though they are not the same for you
- Decide to stop talking
- Walk away
- Turn up in a bad mood
- Want extra special and unrealistic consideration and the like…
These people did not get enough attention as children and they are making others around them pay for that.
Those who don’t treat you well, aren’t necessarily doing it on purpose, they are just damaged children who are still very much in pain. They are automatically programmed to get attention. They won’t be aware of doing this nor will they admit or apologise for it if you try to tell them.
Being angered and saddened by difficult people is fair and normal. You have a delicate and vulnerable human heart that can be hurt and nobody is asking you to be a saint and suddenly feel compassion… However… One day you might achieve feeling compassion for them. Truly and sincerely. And for a compassionate reaction to be automatic within you instead of superficial or forced.
The person causing you pain, is in pain themselves, 100 times more. Having compassion for difficult, negative people however, doesn’t mean that you allow them to walk all over you. Having compassion for negative people doesn’t require you to be in their presence to prove to them or to yourself how strong you are. You should be affected by their difficult nature, you shouldn’t “get over it”, you’re not made of steel and you don’t need to put up with it.
You might have tried to keep the family together, the association, friendship or relationship together despite the difficulty. You may have ‘busted your balls‘ and put in all sorts of effort to keep things nice. You might receive little or no thanks and you may get little or nothing in return for your accommodation and care of others. If this is the case then those difficult others need to be set at a distance. You might need to leave their company, cut things short or not be available.
You need to ask yourself what are YOU getting out of a particular association? What is the other person giving back to you? Do they offer you the same stability, peace, positivity and attention in an interaction that you offer them? Is it enough? Choose carefully who you spend time with in a personal or professional capacity, so that you don’t spend your life and your energy being angered and upset by unaware people.
You deserve to be treated well. You deserve all the good things you give to others and more. You’re a good person. You are special. You are important. You deserve to be celebrated. You deserve a happy mood from others. You deserve to be planned for and respected. You need to be around people who are these things for you and ultimately, nothing less.
Feel good about respecting yourself. Choose carefully, the people you spend time with and recognise yourself as valuable and essential to life. You deserve the best treatment and the best behavior that others have to offer and for that to be your new standard.