The “Being Happier” Podcast
Today’s Topic: Healing Emotional Childhood Memories – Part 3
“Communication Problems From Childhood, Affecting Your Relationships As Adults!”
This message about healing emotional childhood memories, uses relationships as the petri dish to test and demonstrate how much of an impact they have. Namely, the communication problems the adult experienced as a child, will copy and paste themselves into the adult’s relationship.
Most people, when they recall a childhood memory, deliberately or accidentally, are not going to make the link that the same stuff that happened in childhood, is happening or did happen to them in adulthood. Because that’s how it actually works: your childhood experiences imprint themselves upon you and you end up playing all the same stuff out, in adulthood.
Most people don’t connect that what’s happening to them now at 33 years of age, is the same thing that happened to them at 3, or if the person is 68 years of age, they wouldn’t realise that what they’re experiencing now, is similar as what happened to them at 5. Of course the scenarios would be different because adults don’t have the same lifestyle as a child does, but there’d be a similar or an exact theme replaying itself.
Using this understanding: that something from childhood is replaying itself in adulthood, we’ll use the adult’s relationship for how this shows up, in particular, with communication.
If the child grew up:
- With parents who didn’t ask them how their day was;
- The parents were hardly there for the child to feel they could go to them;
- If the parents were always busy with another sibling and the child in question didn’t feel they were important enough or that there was space for them;
- If the child did go to the parents to share something but the parents didn’t say anything that made sense to the child or help them feel understood;
- The child was pushed away when they approached the parent;
- If the child observed these themes above occurring between their parents, this is what the child will learn about how free they can be in their own communication.
The child now an adult, will copy and paste their freedom of communication imprints, into their romantic relationship scenarios and behave according to how they’ve been conditioned.
Given the above reception the child received, now an adult assessing a new relationship or in the midst of one, if there’s something to be communicated, the adult might feel:
- I can’t go to my potential/ partner, because they’re doing something more important;
- I can’t talk now because they’re with somebody more important;
- Even if I go to my partner, they’re not going to get it anyhow;
- My partner will probably tell me to go away and I’ll be left to sort it out myself, so there’s no point, I may as well not say anything…
The adult doesn’t have a reference for welcoming behaviour as far as their parenting was concerned, so they’re not going to feel welcomed to communicate with their partner.
Unless the adult goes back to their childhood memories and deliberately finds the connections between what they experienced as a child and how it’s being expressed as an adult, they will continue to communicate in the same dysfunctional ways explained above.
Unless the childhood memories are acknowledge, felt, mourned and healed as best as possible, the adult will possibly go from relationship to relationship or stay within the same dysfunctional relationship, with the same communication problems playing out.
This applies to people who have already done some inner child healing and also to those who haven’t.
You’re not necessarily going to be ahead in healing your communication issues if you’ve done some inner child healing work before. If something hasn’t healed, it hasn’t healed, that’s that.
Some people think that if they’ve done inner child healing once through an intense course or through books or with practitioners, they don’t need to do it again, like it’s done, ‘as though’ it can be done. It’s an ongoing process.
And for those people who feel it’s an age thing, like “I don’t have to learn this stuff now, I’m in my later years, I’ve learned in other ways already” or “I don’t have decades of baggage, I’m only young, I haven’t got anything to work on”, it’s =not= an age thing. Healing your emotional childhood memories will be relevant no matter what your age.
To summarize, the experiences we have as children, have an enormous impact on our life and the same themes that occurred as children, will play themselves out as adults. If the adult notices that the communication isn’t so good in their relationship, to fix their relationship, they need to acknowledge, feel and heal the ways communication wasn’t so good with their parents when they were a child.