Why Are They Difficult?

From “The Healing Show” Series #02: Healing Emotional Childhood Memories

Childhood is where most things begin. How we think and feel now have many of their origins in childhood. Inner growth work is what we do when we’re adults. We investigate ourselves, our feelings and thoughts and eventually we get back to addressing our childhood pain. Hence, this message could belong in the category of Inner Child Healing or Growth. But let’s start at the beginning: our inner child.

Most of us as children, did not get enough attention. Our parents were too concerned with themselves or they weren’t there, amidst other less nurturing scenarios. We might have been told to feel grateful for what our family gave us and we might cling to positive memories because we want to believe our parents were good even though we felt our childhood was hard.

Most people don’t do any childhood healing work because it’s too confronting. Painful times were never talked about or not allowed to be talked about. Most children, now grown up children, adults, seek attention. The less attention children receive, the more difficult an adult they generally become. This is not a straight up rule, we’re all different. In most cases, children who were neglected more, tend to be more demanding, more selfish and create more problems for others. They can be rude and aggressive, they might withdraw or they might behave very inappropriately. There are also children who are like the goody goodies, who fit in and make things easier for their family. These children, now adults, are also suffering, but nobody sees it. They don’t let others see it.

If you have a day to day personal or professional situation or special occasion, there is likely to be at least one adult who will create problems for you or others around them. They are doing this because they need attention. Badly. It doesn’t matter how mature age an adult they might be, no matter how educated, no matter how experienced or spiritual they may be, they will take any and whatever attention they can get, wherever they can get it from, whatever the detrimental cost to others. Inside they feel jealous and threatened.

If you’ve experienced a difficult person, they may do any or all of these things:

  • Be late
  • Be loud
  • Behave inappropriately with regards to the place or occasion
  • Bully
  • Create conflict
  • Partially or fully disregard your achievements or kindness
  • Talks about themselves
  • Be solely concerned about their own needs while obviously failing to consider others
  • Talk as though they’re the expert when they have little idea about the subject matter
  • Turn up empty handed to important events
  • Ignore important events
  • Decide to be sick right before an occasion
  • Demand that you’re instantly available for them, even though they are not the same for you
  • Decide to stop talking
  • Walk away
  • Turn up in a bad mood
  • Want extra special and unrealistic consideration and the like…

These people did not get enough attention as children and they are making others around them pay for that.

Those who don’t treat you well, aren’t necessarily doing it on purpose, they are just damaged children who are still very much in pain. They are automatically programmed to get attention. They won’t be aware of doing this nor will they admit or apologise for it if you try to tell them.

Being angered and saddened by difficult people is fair and normal. You have a delicate and vulnerable human heart that can be hurt and nobody is asking you to be a saint and suddenly feel compassion… However… One day you might achieve feeling compassion for them. Truly and sincerely. And for a compassionate reaction to be automatic within you instead of superficial or forced.

The person causing you pain, is in pain themselves, 100 times more. Having compassion for difficult, negative people however, doesn’t mean that you allow them to walk all over you. Having compassion for negative people doesn’t require you to be in their presence to prove to them or to yourself how strong you are. You should be affected by their difficult nature, you shouldn’t “get over it”, you’re not made of steel and you don’t need to put up with it.

You might have tried to keep the family together, the association, friendship or relationship together despite the difficulty. You may have ‘busted your balls‘ and put in all sorts of effort to keep things nice. You might receive little or no thanks and you may get little or nothing in return for your accommodation and care of others. If this is the case then those difficult others need to be set at a distance. You might need to leave their company, cut things short or not be available.

You need to ask yourself what are YOU getting out of a particular association? What is the other person giving back to you? Do they offer you the same stability, peace, positivity and attention in an interaction that you offer them? Is it enough? Choose carefully who you spend time with in a personal or professional capacity, so that you don’t spend your life and your energy being angered and upset by unaware people.

This-is-for-you-02

You deserve to be treated well. You deserve all the good things you give to others and more. You’re a good person. You are special. You are important. You deserve to be celebrated. You deserve a happy mood from others. You deserve to be planned for and respected. You need to be around people who are these things for you and ultimately, nothing less.

Feel good about respecting yourself. Choose carefully, the people you spend time with and recognise yourself as valuable and essential to life. You deserve the best treatment and the best behavior that others have to offer and for that to be your new standard.

Family Appearances – Honestly peaceful or quietly festering?

Healing Emotional Childhood Memories

This message is about being honest with yourself and others regarding how close your family is not. This message falls into the category of Inner Child Healing, because the dynamics of family members getting along or not, go back to childhood.

Those people who have a close family or think they have a close family, can sometimes wear it like a badge and show off about it: “we get together every week (or however often); we always buy each other presents for special occasions; we always stay in touch and contact other family members who are going through a hard time”. They can make those people who don’t have a close family, feel like they’re inadequate or under pressure to act like their family is close as well, just to feel ‘normal’.

What is probably more ‘normal’ is that most families are dysfunctional and therefore most families are not close. It’s healthy for us to come back to our heart and mind about the truth we know about how our family really functions and LET THAT BE WHAT IT IS.

Maybe there are some people in the family who are talking to each other and other family members who aren’t talking to each other. Maybe those family members who aren’t talking to each other, do not for excellent reasons.  This fact about how families might not get along, is especially important for days like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, birthdays, anniversaries, Easter and Christmas (or similar celebrations for non-Australian readers and listeners).

There can be a lot of pretending on those days and many family members who are present at such events don’t actually want to be there. Families who aren’t close might have these big family gatherings because they’re expected not to talk about any of the problems anybody has. They’re expected to pretend that everything is ok just for one day.

Individual family members who don’t get along with others, particularly with the parents, are better off having it out than in, rather than pretending they’re happy for that one day for the sake of others. Better to be honestly peaceful in a gathering rather than quietly festering. Most people quietly fester, then have to deal with their inner conflict for days or weeks leading up to or after the event.

honesty-trumps-perfection

If an individual doesn’t want to be in touch or catch up with their family for one or any special event, they should feel allowed to do so. They need to give themselves permission not to be in touch or not to go and feel good about it. There is too much pleasing others and not enough pleasing oneself.

Pleasing oneself can be viewed as selfish and unkind, instead of being viewed as the person looking after their own heart, because nobody else is. The emotional and mental suffering that can come with big family events is not worth it and should not have to be tolerated.

The individual who does not want to be in contact with other family members due to very real problems, are seen as the bad one, the uncaring child or sibling, they are judged. It seems more correct and more acceptable in many societies, to pretend. Pretending is good and honesty is bad. It really needs to be the other way around at all times but it takes much courage to do this.

If the courage can be worked toward and summoned at the right moment; if the individual can stand up for what they feel is right for them, they would be more at peace and feel stronger in themselves and the world would be a better place.

Be Guarded With Your Parents

From ‘The Healing Show’ series #2: Healing Emotional Childhood Memories

This message is about being aware of the patterns your parents have taught you and how they (or your guardians) will never fail to remind you of them.

Patterns include the kind of reactions they’ve instilled in you because you have been made to feel, by them, that you’re to blame, that you have to fix, that you have to accommodate, that you have to justify, that you have to put up with, etc.

Being on guard with your parents mean, that when you’re interacting with them, know they will try to pull you into feeling guilty, for example, and be prepared for this.

Healing Emotional Childhood Memories – Part 5

How to Heal Emotional Childhood Trauma

Series: Healing Emotional Childhood Memories – Part 5

Subject: Healing Childhood Trauma

Consultations: Melbourne – Call Benita on 0419 147 036

Being Happier Podcast“Create A New Life As An Adult By Healing Trauma From Teenage Years!”

In sessions with clients, I’ve always got a ‘yes’ from this question: did you experience any traumatic incidences in your teenage years at high school?

High school is such a difficult stage of life because it’s when you form an identity of your own.

I’m sure you can instantly recall difficult times at high school when you were teased, when you were bullied, the friends you didn’t have, feeling alone, feeling different, feeling left out and perhaps abandoned by your parents, having nowhere to turn.

You were a teenager looking for answers and perhaps you got some, but you definitely didn’t get all of them. You most likely got a few answers from your friends, but the rest, you looked to your parents for, unconsciously if not consciously, but alas, they didn’t have enough or any answers for you.

A lot of people have a horrible time at high school and they probably don’t want to revisit those experiences in their mind or in discussion with others. This creates a cover over the wound, which is still to this day, left unhealed.

People often say, it took a long time to heal from that experience, but what they actually mean is it took along time to bury those experiences. The childhood trauma is still deep under the surface and with emotional blocks in place, the only way for it to be noticed is through a physical alert or illness.

When clients come to see me, I often ask them what they experienced at high school and they always have a story to tell, but it’s aimed at their fellow students more often than their parents.

healing childhood trauma

Plenty of them will say that A and B person pushed them out of the group, or that X, Y and Z people would always give them a hard time whenever they were in a particular class or in a certain location. I have to dig to around to hear my clients say that they were angry at their parents.

If you experienced problems at high school, you can put a lot of it down to the horrible students that were there, fair enough, but who put you in the high school?

Did your parents pay attention to your distress. Did they keep you at that high school against your wishes? Did they even know you were unhappy there? Did you want to leave the high school you were at, but felt you couldn’t ask? Did you actually tell your parents that you were unhappy?

It’s your parents responsibility to keep in touch with you and help you through trauma. At this point, most of my clients start defending their parents, saying they had good reasons why they couldn’t help and yes… Parenting a teenager is difficult!

Your parents did the best job they can… according to them… but did they, according to you! You’re not angry about your teenage years at high school because your parents did the best they could with you. You’re angry because you felt your parents could have done better! That you could have had better guidance to handle the trauma you were going through at school.

Healing Childhood Trauma

You need to stay with YOUR feelings here. When you have pain and anger from your past as an adolescent, you need to feel allowed to be angry or sad, rather than having your feelings brushed off or devalued.

If you hear others say, or perhaps you’ve heard yourself say “I’m over that, it was in the past, I’ve moved on, I don’t believe it’s good to revisit it because you’re dwelling on things you can’t change”. Unfortunately, that view is not correct.

In order to heal from anything negative or traumatic, you need to go back to when it happened, acknowledge it, feel the feelings, get support to potentially work through the pain and ultimately let it go.

The difference between healing and not healing your past, gets compounded as you get older. The more you heal emotionally, the less likely your body needs to get sick to alert you about your ever growing backlog of emotional issues.

A SIMPLE HEALING EXERCISE.
To follow, is a great exercise to help heal your high school past, but before I get into it, I want to stress again why you should do this. Addressing upsetting times from high school will unlock feelings of support in your life, now!

The other great reason to heal your past is that by doing so, you also heal your present and your future.

There is a considerable amount of blocked energy from your teenage years, that isn’t flowing for you now. You can’t access it, because it was never healed. By healing your past you will reclaim yourself, become more confident and strengthen within as an adult.

Let’s go through this step by step:

  1. Set aside between 3 and 10 minutes in a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed;
  2. Locate the Forehead Healing Points- they are on your forehead, between your eyebrows and your hairline, in line with your eyes, above each eye;
  3. Have two finger pads from each hand, your index and middle finger, on the Forehead Healing Points;
  4. Take some time to recall traumatic memories from your adolescence;
  5. Bring up the sad, angry or alone feelings from that time and really feel them as though there were happening now;
  6. Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth;
  7. Begin with 3 minutes, but do it for longer if you can, don’t push yourself, whatever you feel you’re ready for;
  8. Keep breathing and keep feeling the feelings for the duration of this healing exercise.

A big part of you will resist doing this healing exercise and that’s to be expected. You need to push through this and give it a go. Do it where you won’t be disturbed.
Do it on the toilet 😉

Schedule this exercise often, every week or every month. It works for all emotional trauma. Take advantage of particular moments, shortly after a conversation where high school was mentioned (for example) or when you’ve just spoken to somebody from your teenage years. Maybe you just re-connected with an old school friend on Facebook.

Doing this exercise isn’t like putting peroxide on your hair, you won’t notice a difference straight away. However, down the track you’ll notice yourself reacting and responding to people and situations in new ways and you WILL surprise yourself.

Healing pain from the past, allows you to love more and to love better and it will help you with all sorts or personal and professional relationships.

Healing Emotional Childhood Memories – Part 4

Series: Healing Emotional Childhood Memories – Part 4

Being Happier Podcast“Want A Break From Being An Adult?”

The moments might come at odd times, maybe you’ve experienced it recently, maybe you have these feelings regularly or maybe not often at all, but when they come… boy, do they grip you! What am I talking about?

I’m talking about the moments when you feel that being an adult is too hard and you want a break! The moments when you don’t want to look after yourself all the time; you don’t want to tidy and cook and shop for yourself all the time; you don’t want to deal with bills or work or the world, it feels too much.

I’m not referring to passing feelings of this nature, we’ve all had those, I’m more specifically referring to a -longing- within you -yearning- to be looked after by a wealthy relative or friend who will cook and clean and look after you and make you feel happy and comfortable.

Maybe somebody has done this for you at some point in your life, maybe you know somebody who actually has one of these types of relatives or friends and you feel it’s unfair that they have a person like that while you don’t. You wonder if other people feel what you feel, about wanting a break from being an adult…

If you’re feeling this way, if you have a longing and a yearning to be looked after, your inner child needs healing. The child within you, is stronger than the adult within you.

It’s the child part of you that wants to be looked after, that wants somebody else to be strong and responsible. Therefore, it’s the child part of you that hasn’t been attended to yet.

Longing and yearning to be taken care of, is not just an indication that your inner child needs healing, but that you’re also ready to heal. The child in you is feeling unsafe and weak and it can feel very destabilizing.

You will enjoy your adult responsibilities and not require a break from them when:

  • You’re feeling like an adult deeply at your core;
  • When your adult self is stronger than your unhealed child self;
  • When you have attended your wounded inner child and acknowledged and felt your feelings from the past;
  • When your inner child feels protected and understood, the feeling of being an adult is welcomed.

The longing feelings for somebody to look after you, show that you’re actually longing for a deep strength within yourself. Ultimately you want to feel that -you- can nurture and care for yourself better than anybody else can.

Healing Emotional Childhood Memories – Part 3

Healing Emotional Childhood Memories – Part 3

Communication Problems From Childhood, Affecting Your Relationships As Adults!

This message about healing emotional childhood memories uses relationships as the petri dish to test and demonstrate how much of an impact they have. Namely, the communication problems the adult experienced as a child, will copy and paste themselves into the adult’s relationship.

Most people, when they recall a childhood memory, deliberately or accidentally, are not going to make the link that the same stuff that happened in childhood, is happening or did happen to them in adulthood. Because that’s how it actually works: your childhood experiences imprint themselves upon you and you end up playing all the same stuff out, in adulthood.

Most people don’t connect that what’s happening to them now at 33 years of age, is the same thing that happened to them at 3, or if the person is 68 years of age, they wouldn’t realise that what they’re experiencing now, is similar as what happened to them at 5. Of course the scenarios would be different because adults don’t have the same lifestyle as a child does, but there’d be a similar or an exact theme replaying itself.

Using this understanding: that something from childhood is replaying itself in adulthood, we’ll use the adult’s relationship for how this shows up, in particular, with communication.

If the child grew up:

  • With parents who didn’t ask them how their day was;
  • The parents were hardly there for the child to feel they could go to them;
  • If the parents were always busy with another sibling and the child in question didn’t feel they were important enough or that there was space for them;
  • If the child did go to the parents to share something but the parents didn’t say anything that made sense to the child or help them feel understood;
  • The child was pushed away when they approached the parent;
  • If the child observed these themes above occurring between their parents, this is what the child will learn about how free they can be in their own communication.

The child now an adult, will copy and paste their freedom of communication imprints, into their romantic relationship scenarios and behave according to how they’ve been conditioned.

Given the above reception the child received, now an adult assessing a new relationship or in the midst of one, if there’s something to be communicated, the adult might feel:

  • I can’t go to my potential/ partner, because they’re doing something more important;
  • I can’t talk now because they’re with somebody more important;
  • Even if I go to my partner, they’re not going to get it anyhow;
  • My partner will probably tell me to go away and I’ll be left to sort it out myself, so there’s no point, I may as well not say anything…

The adult doesn’t have a reference for welcoming behaviour as far as their parenting was concerned, so they’re not going to feel welcomed to communicate with their partner.

Unless the adult goes back to their childhood memories and deliberately finds the connections between what they experienced as a child and how it’s being expressed as an adult, they will continue to communicate in the same dysfunctional ways explained above.

Unless the childhood memories are acknowledged, felt, mourned and healed as best as possible, the adult will possibly go from relationship to relationship or stay within the same dysfunctional relationship, with the same communication problems playing out.

This applies to people who have already done some inner child healing and also to those who haven’t.

You’re not necessarily going to be ahead in healing your communication issues if you’ve done some inner child healing work before. If something hasn’t healed, it hasn’t healed, that’s that.

Some people think that if they’ve done inner child healing once through an intense course or through books or with practitioners, they don’t need to do it again, like it’s done, ‘as though’ it can be done. It’s an ongoing process.

And for those people who feel it’s an age thing, like “I don’t have to learn this stuff now, I’m in my later years, I’ve learned in other ways already” or “I don’t have decades of baggage, I’m only young, I haven’t got anything to work on”, it’s =not= an age thing. Healing your emotional childhood memories will be relevant no matter what your age.

To summarize, the experiences we have as children, have an enormous impact on our life and the same themes that occurred as children, will play themselves out as adults. If the adult notices that the communication isn’t so good in their relationship, to fix their relationship, they need to acknowledge, feel and heal the ways communication wasn’t so good with their parents when they were a child.

Healing Emotional Childhood Memories – Part 2

The “Being Happier” Podcast

Today’s Topic: Healing Emotional Childhood Memories – Part 2

Being Happier Podcast

“Inner Child Healing Heals Everything!”

Inner Child Healing is not just for people who are ‘into that sort of thing’ or for people who ‘clearly have issues’ or even for people who are interested in inner child healing in general. The applications for Inner Child Healing are wider and deeper and more surprising than most people would ever realise.

Firstly, you don’t just do inner child healing once, through a course or from a relevant book. You’re never done with inner child healing, it’s an ongoing process which never really stops, because life never stops. Did you actively address your inner child healing years ago, but not properly re-addressed it in recent times?

You have come to be an adult: behaviors, beliefs and perspectives, due to the conditioning you experienced from your parents. Your parents received conditioning from their parents and back and back it goes.

Conditioning can be described as:
things that are very heavily ingrained and deeply impressed on our mind and being;
it ends up controlling everything we do in our personal, professional and creative lives;
it happens automatically, verbally and silently, physically but not necessarily;
it occurs mostly unconsciously;
it’s a behaviour and thinking that gets reinforced constantly, in every way, in every place and in every circumstance you can imagine, seemingly, without effort.

Most of the conditioning you receive between 0 and 6 years of age, will be imprinted into your being forever, less so the more you address your conditioning. The conditioning you experience when you’re very young, will get repeated into your adolescence, as a young adult, mature adult and continues into the later years.

As an example, if you experienced a close friendship at 3, but then that friend suddenly stopped coming round… being a 3 year old, you didn’t think to ask why, you just accepted it… but you felt really sad… nobody asked you how you were feeling so therefore you didn’t get any emotional support… and you were seemingly left without a friend, maybe there were no friends after that… and there starts the pattern that repeats through your life:
You form a pattern from your childhood about friendships and emotional support, that follows you in all sorts of different circumstances.
In order to improve your friendships as an adult, the experiences when you were young needs to be addressed and healed.

You might become interested in doing Inner Child Healing when you run into relationship problems.

A child learns about their definition of love and how a relationship functions, from their parents: how the parents behave with each other and how the parents behaved with the child. Even if both parents are not around, the child will be influenced by the adults who frequent their life.

So Benita, if I have relationship issues, how can they be solved by healing my emotional childhood memories?

One of my answers would be: if you’ve experienced trauma and drama in your family growing up, it will reflect in your relationship experiences. Your relationship is likely to have trauma and drama within them, because that’s what you’re used to. If you can heal some of your past, you’re more likely to have relationships with less trauma and drama in them. Wouldn’t that be great!

You might become interested in Inner Child Healing because you are currently experiencing health problems.

As an example, a child learns how to address health issues from their parents and guardians. If the parent addresses their health issue by going to natural healing and health practitioners, the child when they become an adult is likely to do something similar.

If the parent heals or doesn’t heal, take a short time or takes a long time to recover from a physical problem, the child now an adult, is likely to copy that at least sometimes.

What if you’re having problems with fellow students at school or colleagues at work, or with your superiors? What has inner child healing have to do with that?

If everybody in your external world, are a reflection of one or both of your parents, then the problem you’re having with a colleague is the same problem you’ve experienced with your parent… If you can try to heal your child experiences with that parent, then potentially, your work life will be more smooth and enjoyable.

The general things that need to be looked at when you do inner child healing is how much attention did you or didn’t you get? Were you ignored? Was you opinion respected? Were you punished and was justified or unjustified? Could you speak up or were you meant to be silent? Were you allowed to be a child or did your parents rely on you?

To conclude, the problems that you might be having in your health, work, friendship or relationship life, have their roots in your childhood, so if you want to fix those adult departments of your life, go back and heal your childhood.

Healing Emotional Childhood Memories – Part 1

Healing Emotional Childhood Memories – Part 1

This recording is about inner child healing with the main message being that the process involves =your= feelings and experiences, not anybody else in your family and especially not your parents. Parents can sometimes make their child feel grateful for being looked after or play the violins about their own treatment from their parents, which is not generally caring behaviour.

Children’s creativity and individuality can be dismissed because the parent isn’t tuned into the child. As you validate your feelings through healing your inner child, you find your voice again and you can communicate your boundaries and express more of what you want.