From Benita’s “Being Happier” Podcast
Series: How To Attract A Better Relationship – Part 11
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“Equal Sexual Desire In Relationships”
When an association or a friendship, moves into a relationship, it’s because sex happens. I am of course, referring to love making as well, but I’ll refer to it as sex for this message.
Sex tends to happen very frequently in the beginning, especially in the fist few months. It’s difficult in the beginning, to asses who likes sex more than the other, because it’s happening so often.
Usually after a year, it becomes apparent which person in the couple likes sex more than the other. Unfortunately, it is also usual that the level of interest in sex is unequal between a couple. From here on, things start to get a bit depressing, mostly for the person who is more sexual.
Ideally, a more sexual person, should be with a person who is also more sexual, so they can have sex as often as they like. A less sexual person should be with a less sexual person so they can have sex whenever it might happen and neither one of them is concerned about it.
If a more sexual person likes sex every day but they’re in a relationship with a less sexual person who likes sex every month, life is going to feel very trying and a bit upsetting for the more sexual person. Why? Because normally, the less sexual person gets their way and the more sexual person ends up being forced to put away their sexual energy because their less sexual partner doesn’t welcome it.
If a less sexual person is in a relationship with a more sexual person, they’re likely to feel a bit pressured by the needs of their more sexual partner, or, perhaps they’re not feeling pressured at all. The less sexual person might not be aware or more likely, they don’t care that their more sexual partner wants sex regularly. They might hope that their more sexual partner’s sexual energy will just go away if they ignore it for long enough.
Unfortunately for the less sexual person, the more sexual person will never stop being more sexual. The more sexual person will want sex every day or every few days, forever. A more sexual person will never become a less sexual person, just because their less sexual partner finds it inconvenient and perhaps a bit abnormal.
Because sex isn’t embraced by the less sexual person, they get defensive and turn their own feelings of inadequacy, onto their more sexual partner. The less sexual person can accuse their more sexual partner of thinking about and wanting sex too much; telling their partner that there’s something wrong with them; that their partner should do more exercise or focus on other things or spend time with other friends… What…?
The only thing that’s wrong with the more sexual person, is that they’re with a less sexual person who doesn’t get it. The more sexual person is regularly feeling rejected, unloved and unattractive to their less sexual partner. They patiently wait until all the planets line up and for the wind to blow the right way, for their less sexual partner to be in the mood.
It’s unfair for a less sexual person to expect their relationship with their more sexual partner, to be successful in terms of faithfulness or happiness or for it to last.
If the relationship ends up being more long term than not, between a less sexual person and their more sexual partner, it’s because the more sexual person has made that possible and this fact is generally not appreciated by their less sexual partner.
The more sexual person continues to dream of a relationship where they can have sex every day and they feel that this possibility must only exist in their imagination because they’re made to feel like they’re being unrealistic and asking too much by their less sexual partner.
The more sexual person is almost under a spell by their less sexual partner sometimes, because they forget that only a less sexual person would say that they’re being unrealistic and asking too much. When two highly sexual people are together, what is unrealistic to a less sexual person, becomes totally normal and acceptable between a highly sexual couple.
It’s not meant to be that one person effectively calls the shots, while the other person does what they’re told. A relationship is meant to be equal and fun. If a more sexual person stays with their less sexual partner, they’ll be depressed and forever trying different ways of telling themselves they’re happy in their relationship.
If you’re not having sex as regularly as you want, within your relationship, acknowledge it properly. It’s real a problem. If your love life is up the creek, it affects every department of your life. Choose to be happy. Choose for the rest of your life to be happy. Choose a partner who is sexually like you.