From Benita’s “Being Happier” Podcast
Series: How To Attract A Better Relationship – Part 12
“When Sex Stops But The Relationship Continues”
Some couples think that because they have things that outwardly prove they’re a couple (like children, a house, assets, cars, they go on holidays, outings and spend time together on special occasions), it means that they’re in a relationship. While that is part of the equation, what really determines whether a couple is in a relationship or not, is if they’re having sex.
Think back to how it was in the beginning. Did you and a partner go from an association or friendship into a relationship because sex happened? It wasn’t one extra special meal or date that changed the status from friendship to a relationship.
You went out together as friends, then one day sex happened and then you were in a relationship. For most couples, their friendship became a relationship because sex happened, but for many the sex stops, but the relationship continues.
Is it ok that sex happened once, or that it was regular for however long, but then it dropped off and the relationship continues?
Did sex used to happen every day or week in the beginning, then it dropped off to every month, then it dropped off to a a few times a year, then perhaps a few years have passed without any sex at all…? Maybe 5 years, maybe 10 or 20 years or more have passed without sex, but the person still considers themselves in a relationship.
If you had sex 6 months ago, that was the last time you were in a relationship. If you had sex 2 years ago, then it’s been two years since you’ve been in a relationship. If you’ve had sex 5 years ago, or more years ago, then that’s how long ago you were in a relationship. What does this really mean…?
It means you’ve gone back to being just friends or housemates without: ever really addressing why or allowing each other to embrace separation and change.
If considerable time has passed without sex, it means that the person has been living a single life for the duration of time they haven’t had sex for. It pretty much means that the person has been living with a friend or a housemate for the whole time they haven’t had sex.
That statement may seem unfair, especially when there have been extenuating circumstances like moving house, changing job, changing study, an illness, death, a pregnancy, a baby… etc. Sure, those circumstances are special ones and your love life may need to change accordingly if you’re that kind of couple where love making is affected by such circumstances. But the reduction or absence of sexual contact isn’t meant to continue when the special circumstances have changed and improved.
You have to live “for real”. What is a REAL relationship? One where your partner is your partner because you’re having healing loving sex.
A real relationship is one where your husband or wife has that title because you’re having sex. If sex isn’t happening, then your partner can’t really be ‘called your partner’, because they’re really your housemate. If sex isn’t happening, then your husband or wife ought not to have that title of a husband or wife, they’re really your friend.
What if I put it into other terms…
With some qualifications, you need to redo the course to continue to carry the certificate, because things have become outdated. That means the course needs to be done again to ensure the person’s knowledge is updated as well. The same thing applies to a relationship.
If sex hasn’t happened for ages, then the ‘qualification’ of that person being a partner, needs to be changed according to what is current. The sex needs to be rekindled.
I’ll use another example… If a woman decides to become a nun, it means that she can’t have sex because she’s taken a vow of chastity. She can’t have sex ‘sometimes’, because that’s not allowed. The nun is a nice person, but she’d be a hypocrite by having sex but still call herself a nun. She should stop being a nun if she wants to be in a relationship and therefore have sex.
If somebody is in a relationship, it means sex is happening. If sex isn’t happening, then the relationship isn’t happening. The persons involved need to communicate and either discuss a change to their status to fit what is going on in their lives, or discuss why they aren’t having sex and if they still want to. They need to live for real.
If sex is no longer an option, the couple is better off separating and or living separately. That would be them living for real.
It could be argued that if a survey were to occur, to find out how many people in relationships were, what I call, living for real, a significant majority of couples would not be living truthfully under the title of a partner in a relationship.
Are you living for real in your relationship? You’re not a bad person if you have sexual issues in your relationship, there’s nothing wrong with you if you’re not having sex in your relationship, it just means that you’re not living the truth in yourself. If you’re not living the truth, you’re very likely to be unhappy and this kind of emotional blockage can lead to serious health issues.
Life is meant to be enjoyed and celebrated. Enjoy your life better and properly, by making a conscious, REAL choice, of staying in your relationship if you’re having sex and leaving the relationship if you’re not.