From Benita’s “Being Happier” Podcast
Series: How To Attract A Better Relationship – Part 7
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“Your Partner Needs To Get All Of You.”
If your life or your relationship is going to progress, your partner needs to ‘get you’ !
Whether you’re in a new relationship or if you’ve been in a relationship for a long while, the main question to ask is: how much do you feel understood?
Does your partner get what makes you happy? Does your partner understand what you’re interested in? Does your partner adopt your feelings and make them their own so that you can work out something together or for you?
It’s so important that you’re in a happy relationship. It’s everything! Not just a ‘good enough relationship’, a happy one. You want a relationship that when you think of your partner, you smile…!
You need to feel that you’re partner can engage with you in your life together.
If there are problems between you, you don’t want to feel that you’re the only one bringing things up, or you’re the only one motivating problems to be addressed. You want to feel that your partner is just as interested in making the relationship better like you are.
How unsupported and alone and guilty would you feel if it was always you wanting to address the relationship or instigating the continuance of an issue until its resolution?
Both of you are having the relationship, so both of you need to do the work to keep it going. If you have something to sort out in your own life, you want to feel that you’re partner is as interested in sorting it out as you are.
It could be a creative or professional problem that you want to look into. You might want to get back to your creative self, change your job or career and you want to feel the emotional support from your partner.
You might propose your creative idea with your partner, and your partner might say something vague or a bit dismissive or uses nice words to lend support, but you feel that deep down, they’re not really interested. Nothing ends up getting done about it.
You partner might ‘seem’ to be participating when you want to nut something out with them, but then you’re left to work it out -by yourself-. There’s no action from them. There’s no come back from them days or weeks later to suggest that they’ve been thinking about your ideas or feelings.
Understandably, you can’t always put as much attention into your relationship as you would like, but if you notice that you’re busy and you’re still managing to attend to the relationship, and they’re just as busy or less busy, but they’re not managing… you need to open you’re eyes to this.
Your partner needs to be in touch with you, really in touch. You’re a team. Your life is ‘our’ life, their life is ‘our’ life. If you’re sick and tired and your partner invites people around that you have to cater for, why are they doing that? Don’t they know you’re tired?
If you don’t live together and you’re at one of your houses spending time together, does your partner allow others to spontaneously drop in no matter what you’re doing together? Are you feeling prioritized?
You need to feel that you’re partner cares for the WHOLE of you:
Physically: you need to feel that your partner cares about what you eat, how often you exercise, how in pain or comfortable you might be and that they do something about it with you.
Emotionally: you need to feel that your partner is sensitive to your needs, your feelings; communicates with you properly, speaks to you in the right ways; plans things and gives you things to show you that they’ve been thinking about you; knows what makes you happy and wants to participate in making your life more enjoyable and stable.
Mentally: you need to feel that your partner gets how you think and how you feel, that you’re on the same page. You know that your partner ‘gets’ you, by how they respond, being totally fitting to the conversation.
One of the worst things that can happen in a relationship, is when you think one way and your partner thinks another way. Frustration builds: your partner seems not to want understand or they simply don’t have the capacity to understand how you think. You feel left in a world by yourself, even though you’re meant to be having a relationship.
You want to feel that your partner entertains your thoughts and ideas as they though were their own and then broods, discusses and acts on them accordingly.
Spiritually: this department gets forgotten about. If you’re into personal development and spiritual development, you NEED a partner who gets that about you and participates in it somehow.
If your partner is not doing all of the above things, what are they really doing for you? How can they attend to one part of you but not to the other parts? Your partner needs to attend to ALL parts of you. If not, what you are doing with them?
Oh no Benita, you’re asking me to look at my relationship… But… surely it’s not that bad… Isn’t it good enough if they do some things and not others?
Isn’t it ok that my partner and I experience A and B and C together, but not experience X and Y and Z together? I don’t know… is it…?
If you’re doing this: my partner is good enough in some ways or in the main ways, but I’d really like if they were interested in, talked about, did, experienced this or that together with me, you are =bargaining= with yourself.
If you’re bargaining with yourself, you’re not in a happy relationship.
You’re probably not really looking forward to talking with your partner on the phone or when you meet or when they come home. You’re probably not enthusiastic to share your ideas or what happened to you on a given day.
This thing, about your partner ‘getting you, all of you’ is especially important if you want to actively improve your life with the income you want to earn.
If you’re focusing on sorting out the problems in your relationship- by yourself more often than not, you’re not going to have the energy to expand and learn and go up on any level professionally or income wise.
You might achieve success anyway, despite how dysfunctional your relationship is, but there would be an element of you hiding in your work, while the relationship problems are left to get worse.
To summarise, you need to feel you partner gets you, all of you;
- that they’re interested;
- that your feelings are their feelings to work on too;
- that your thoughts are their thoughts to address too;
- that they’re thinking about the relationship even if you’re not;
- that they’re thinking about you, even if you’re not.
If they’re not doing this, what are they really doing for you? What are you doing together? They’re good enough, but not up to the mark where you’d like them to be, so you stay together?