From Benita’s “Being Happier” Podcast
Series: How To Attract A Better Relationship – Part 9
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“Deconditioning Relationship Choices”
This message about relationships might not directly belong under the category of How To Attract A Better Relationship, but it does have to do with your relationship choices in the past, which will ultimately link up with your next relationship or perhaps the one you’re in now.
Whether you are or aren’t in a relationship at the moment, you have probably done some reflections on your past relationships (long term or very short term) and given yourself a mini beating for being so stupid as to be involved with ‘that idiot’. Sometimes the judgments and the grief you give yourself can be quite strong because you just can’t believe that you were so stupid back then, for months or years or decades.
You felt under an illusion about ‘that idiot’ for so long; you lived in a fantasy land about how you thought or wished the relationship was; you’re now older and have lost all those years when you could have been happy or when you could have been happy with somebody who cared and valued you properly… Is woe is you in order? 😉
Clients tell me all the time how dumb they feel that they were in a stupid relationship and they ask me: why am I in this relationship that’s making me unhappy or why did I do that to myself or why am I letting them come back? It’s not about the stupid choices you made with those stupid people, that’s a superficial way of looking at it.
You didn’t actually, necessarily want to be with that person who made your life miserable and you didn’t actually, necessarily want to stay with them either. You were driven to choose them… You were driven to stay with them… Why…?
If you have wondered whether you made poor relationship choices because there’s something wrong with you, you’re incorrect there. Yay for you! If you have wondered whether you made poor relationship choices because it has something to do with how you were brought up, then you’re on the r-i-g-h-t track.
You learned from your parents what their version of a relationship and love and respect and communication and relating was about. You learned from their relationship between them (even if one of them weren’t there) and you learned from their relationship with you.The operative words are =their version= of a relationship.
You probably didn’t learn “the” best or the healthiest version of a relationship because if you had, you wouldn’t have made so-called dumb relationship choices. In some ways (excluding reasons to do with your soul’s evolution and karma which is not within the scope of this subject but I aim to address this link another time) it wasn’t your fault that your ex (or maybe current) partner abused you, took you for granted, didn’t like you, didn’t care for you properly, didn’t support, didn’t respect you, didn’t understand you and didn’t believe in you. You learned to feel you deserve that from your childhood conditioning.
People are generally driven by childhood conditioning to choose relationships that make them unhappy.
If you have done some inner child healing, you’re more likely to quickly identify and be aware of the negative choices you’re making and correct them, but not always. So the next time you’re kicking yourself for being dumb for allowing an uncaring and unaware person to be in your life back then, or even now, try to stop. It’s the result of your inner child not receiving adequate healing that has lead you as an adult to make relationship choices that don’t support your happiness.