Relationship Healing for Women

Your Man’s Stress Levels Are Not Your Fault.
Why does he get angry at you? Whatever his reasons, it’s generally not your fault. Most women take on far too much responsibility for the happiness of their man. If for example, you live together and you’ve done the washing and ironing and cooking for him and he’s still angry, it’s not because you weren’t trying hard enough to be on top of things in a domestic capacity. If he works long hours, he might not recognize how stressed he is and he might not do things to alleviate his stress, so he takes it out on you. Women are generally better at recognizing when they’re stressed and they tend to do more about it, eg. yoga, go for a walk, meditation. It’s not your fault that your man does not recognize when he is stressed, which can cause him to get angry at you and it’s also not your fault that he doesn’t do more about his stress levels.

You Don’t Deserve Your Man’s Anger.
Does he blow up about the tiniest things? Like you not parking in a particular position or you leaving pens lying about the place. You don’t deserve to be yelled at or told off. You don’t need to ask yourself how you can be more sensitive to his needs and change yourself accordingly. You can leave the physical space if he starts to get angry.

Your Man’s Anger Linked with Regularity of Sex.
Some men need more sex with their woman than other men. If he wants more sex but doesn’t verbalize it and gets angry at you for things that aren’t related to sex, because he doesn’t have the guts to voice his true needs, you are not responsible for that. If you as the woman, have a higher sex drive than him, he might get angry at you because of this- because you ‘require’ him to give you more. Instead of him interpreting your feelings correctly, he feels pressured by your needs and the pressure can make him get angry. His misinterpretation is his fault, therefore his anger belongs to him. If he feels angry about an issue on day 1, he may not express it until day 10, then you’re left to wonder what you’ve done wrong on day 10 when you did nothing wrong.

You’re Not A Nag He’s Ignoring Issues.
Women just want to be heard, but they get called high maintenance or a nag because they want to talk about an issue. If this has happened to you, you don’t deserve this, he’s not allowed to wipe things off with his name calling. If he has ignored issues for some time, then he needs to expect that you will bring up issues AGAIN. You might be feeling unsupported and this might be the issue and he needs to say sorry for not supporting you..

Men Generally Don’t Instigate Discussions About Issues.
It’s not your fault if he says you are never happy. How are you meant to be happy when he doesn’t talk about the problems between you and it’s left up to you? Women generally get frustrated with the fact that they are left to raise things without his help.

How to Fix Communication in a Relationship.
Women need to raise the relationship issues because our communication skills are usually 10 times higher than the man that we’re with. Not that we should have to raise them, it’s not our sole responsibility to raise them, it’s just that things move faster if we do. If we wait for our man to raise the issues, we grow more frustrated because he’s not doing it. And we need to keep bringing up the same issues to be addressed because he will forget and we need to count on him forgetting.

How to Get Your Boyfriend to Communicate with You.
Your man needs to be educated to be a better partner and being his woman, you are the best person to do that because your communication skills are better. It’s too bad that he gets angry because he doesn’t like to be made to address and re-address issues. He needs to improve as your partner because you need to see that your energy is paying off.

Strong Woman with Insecure Man.
A numerology chart can easily show when an insecure man is with a confident woman. When a man is feeling inadequate, he tries to bring her down and aims his anger at her. He needs to celebrate his woman’s strengths instead of feeling less than her.

Raising Relationship Issues When He Says “Not Now!”
It’s never the right time for him. He will often say not now when you want to talk about an issue in your relationship. It’s too bad that he doesn’t want to talk about it. It can help to write your issues with him in your diary so that you know what you want to say to him by the time the discussion takes place and writing in your diary can help with your frustration levels. He’s not allowed to punish you because you want to talk about the issues in your relationship. Do whatever it takes- write him a note on paper, write him an email, raise your voice. Don’t be scared to voice things because you’re scared you might separate.

From “The Healing Show” Series #01: How To Attract a Better Relationship

This message contains 5 strategies for how to cope if you’re going through a break up. You don’t actually have to be breaking up, to benefit from this article and recording attached, you might just be going through a super difficult time in your relationship. Or… perhaps your love life is fine, you might have a friend or family member who might benefit from these suggestions.

1 Meditation
When I do meditation, my life feels easier and I am more calm about everything. When I don’t do it, I begin to feel life is harder and I feel anxious, and more so with every passing day that I don’t do it.

Meditation will help you get out of your head, get you back to your centre and back in touch with your feelings. Too often during a break up, you can think hundreds and thousands of really negative thoughts that will make you feel worse about everything. You may have thousands of horrible scenarios in your head about how the break up will go, getting back together or not or being alone. We need to move you away from your mind going nuts, and get you back in touch with your heart and feeling peaceful.

The meditation that I suggest, is because I’ve used the following technique for several years myself and during classes I teach. it has 4 components:
Focusing on your heart (toward the end of your sternum);
Hearing the words “I Am” in your mind, silently, over and over;
Breathing in through your nose and out through your mouth…
While holding a gem stone or crystal at your heart.

If you can start with just 2 minutes a day.

You can, when you’re ready, move your way up to 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes… etc… per day, but whenever that might happen. Some meditation is better than none, and 10 minutes is better than 2 minutes, but whatever you can manage.

2 Exercise
You need to do whatever amount of exercise you can, as often as you can, something like 5 minutes per day.

You might just walk round the block where you live and you’ve done your 5 minutes. If you can manage 30- 60 minutes per day, that’s even better, but don’t push yourself. Or maybe you need to push yourself? Just exercise, just do something.

You need to choose the exercise type that you like. Don’t do swimming when you dislike it and prefer to cycle instead. If you don’t like the type of exercise you’re doing, you’re not going to do it. Walking tends to be achievable for most people.

I understand that you wouldn’t want to move your body at all when you’re feeling stuck and depressed emotionally, although exercise will improve your state of mind, get good chemicals moving through your body and like meditation, it will get you out of your negative head.

Whenever I have exercised, I never regret it and I feel much more positive about everything when I come home.

3 Write out your feelings in a letter/s
When you’re going through a break up (or an extremely challenging time in your relationship), getting your feelings out on paper (or on the computer or your mobile phone or cell phone) can be a very healing process. You can physically see that your feelings count, because they actually happened, you’re not making them up like your partner might say.

Writing your feelings in a letter, in a list type format can help to validate how much pain you’ve experienced in different ways, which you partner may not have respected enough.You don’t actually have to give or send your partner these letters. Just get your feelings out.

I’ve written letters and in some cases I have given them to my partner and at other times, with other partners, I haven’t. The whole writing process helped me in general and I recommend it as a way of helping you “be” with your feelings.

You might not being able “to be” with your feelings in any other way, as when you’re writing them down. So if you normally go through your day ignoring your feelings and trying to forget how stressed you are, spending a few moments writing your feelings out can help you “be” with your feelings. This will help to heal you.

4 Hold healing points
I call them “Forehead Healing Points” and they are on your forehead and you can hold them with two fingertips from each hand.

To locate them: they are in line with your eyes, between your eyebrows and your hairline.

It’s like you’re drawing an imaginary line, from your eyes upward, in line with each eye, up into the space in the middle of your eyebrows and your hairline.

Hold these forehead healing points and breathe, in through your nose and out through your mouth. If possible, if you can concentrate further, think of all the stressful things that have happened so far in your break up, and keep bringing them to the surface and keep thinking about them.

This process right here, is like bringing fat to the surface of a drink and the healing points act to scoop the stress away so that you feel released of the stress.The forehead healing points will work and they will help you feel better.

If you can start with 2 minutes a day, it will really help to shift things for you. The more minutes per day you can do, the better.

5 Seek professional assistance
When you’re going through a break up (or reeeeeally challenging time in your relationship), you need time and space,  uninterrupted, to get your feelings out and have them heard properly.

Often when we turn to our friends or family to help us, they do, but soon they talk about their own problems. In your break up state, you don’t have the energy to listen to other people’s dramas and problems. You just need them to keep quiet and listen to what you’re going through.

It’s an unspoken rule that most friends or family will want a barter system, where you listen to them in exchange to them listening to you. But your vulnerable state dictates that you need it to go one way. A professional healer, counselor, intuitive counselor, reader or even a masseur will be able to focus on you. That’s their job. They will able to support you and advise you more often, more thoroughly with less judgement than a friend or family member.

If you’re doing one or more of these things already, then you might need to do more of them or more often. Eg. If you already do meditation, you will be amazed of the peace and clarity you can access as you do it more frequently or for longer periods. If you already see a professional, you might need to see them more regularly or work out a plan with them for added support.

My heart goes out to you if you’re going through a break up… I’ve been through it myself a few times and they were traumatic periods for me. I know what it’s like to barely function, I know what it’s like to hold it all in. Hopefully, you will be able to cope a lot better as you meditate, exercise, write, heal and seek professional assistance as often as you can.

I believe you will get through this really difficult time and you will progress. You are on your way… And you will be happy and peaceful again 🙂

From “The Healing Show” Series #01: Relationships

When we’re consumed with other people, particularly unhealthy people: their life, their dramas, accommodating their feelings over our own, traveling to see them, thinking about their needs… we can’t see what we need. We can’t ‘see’ the next love of our life who could be staring us in the face right now.

The love of my life whom I’m with now, I was in the same physical space as him a couple times a week for 7 years, but I didn’t ‘see’ him…! I didn’t notice him, I didn’t recognise him as being the partner I’ve always wanted. I wasn’t thinking about my happiness, my needs, my future, my energy- I was thinking about everybody else. And nobody else was thinking about me as much as I was thinking about them.

You might be spending too much energy on a relationship that isn’t working and are therefore blind to the love of your life in the form of a man who passes you at work every day. You might be spending too much energy on an ex who wants to be friends and can’t leave you alone, the preoccupation of which means you can’t see the love of your life ‘waiting’ for you at the social function you go to every week.

You might be associating way too much with unhealthy people at work, unhealthy friends, particularly unhealthy family members, causing you not to notice the love of your life who is in your life right now, but yet you hardly speak to.

Unhealthy family members are the hardest people to deal with in terms of conserving your energy. Unhealthy family members will take more energy from you than you might realize and you will forget that your life isn’t about them.

When you separate yourself from unhealthy friends and family members, your energy will recover, you’ll be able to come back to yourself and get back in touch with your needs, your happiness and your future. You’ll be able to SEE the love of your life who is right there or you will energetically allow him to come into your life tomorrow.

From “The Healing Show” Series #01: How To Attract A Better Relationship

When a woman gets into a new relationship, she is comparing her new man with the ex man. I don’t just mean a comparison with behaviour like she’s waiting to be hurt or disappointed because she’s been primed or conditioned by her ex. I mean that she’s looking to her new man to give her a similar kind of loving emotional experience that she had with her ex. She’s looking for the depth and breadth of intensity and intimacy to be similar, like she’s quietly asking herself will my new man make me feel good like my ex man did.

There’s a problem with this kind of natural and automatic thinking, which is that she is forgetting that her and her new man are a new combination and a new dynamic which is different to the dynamic she had with her ex. Her and her new man have a new relationship and a new love and the dynamic is new and can never be found anywhere else. Just like the dynamic she had with her ex can never be found anywhere else. But it’s to recognise that there is indeed a difference.

She can’t really compare what she liked with her ex and look for that with her current man, because she’s looking for something that doesn’t exist. Her and her ex made apple and orange juice. Her and her current man are making apple and strawberry juice. She can’t compare the juices because there isn’t a comparison.

The message here is to let your relationship with your current man and you be new and different and to recognise that the love and the dynamic is new. Let you and your ex be that over there, and you and your current man be here. Let the loving emotional experiences with your new man be new, rather than be compared. Let yourself recognise there is no comparison. Be present and stay present in the newness of your new loving experience.

From “The Healing Show” Series #01: How to Attract a Better Relationship

You might be in, or have been in one of those extra rare relationships where you got along extremely well together, you had a great love life, there was hardly any conflict, you supported and encouraged each other all the time. If not… the love of your life, might not be worthy of such a title.

The man you love or loved so much, or the man you think loved you so much, didn’t really love you the way you think he did, because he was giving you drama, not love.

I’ll pause here as you could be feeling very confronted right now…

You can mistake pyrite for gold, the same as you can mistake drama, for love, accidentally. When you realise that’s what you’re doing to yourself, it can be extremely confronting, as it was for me.

The lows were pretty low with my ex, but the highs were so high that I’d always forget how low I felt. I didn’t realise that I was suffering with my ex. He was giving me drama, he destabilized me, he made me anxious, I was worried, I was sick, I couldn’t relax.

I needed to be deeply honest and vulnerable with myself for my mind and heart to be open to a view and an experience of love NOT being drama. This took time, but I was determined. I had to change my own definition of the love experience as being peaceful, joyous, content and deeply stabilising.

Whether you’re holding onto a love that you feel you can’t get again (but you’re actually wanting to be in love again) or you’re already in a relationship, the best thing you can do is to ponder and reflect on the possibility that the love you love could be the drama you love. The more you can consider that, the more you will grow.

This kind of growth is paramount because it helps you make better choices in the next relationship or within your current relationship. The better your choices, the more you can let yourself have real love and not drama, the happier you will be! It happened to me and I want you to move toward the love and happiness you seek, as I did.

From “The Healing Show” Series #01: Relationships

“Emotional Cheating Counts”

There’s physical cheating, where there is kissing, part or full naked bodies and sex happening and there is emotional cheating, which is being disloyal, unfaithful and disrespectful through subtle behaviors.

Emotional cheating is still cheating, not as severe as sex but it counts. It’s much more difficult to pin down the other person into admission of it ooccurring or being just as valid as ‘regular’ cheating

Cheating in general is hurtful, emotional cheating is hurtful, just in a different way. It can constitute grounds for a break up or reassessment of the relationship but isn’t often used as such, because the person who is being (emotionally) cheated on feels like their feelings don’t count.

From “The Healing Show” Series #1: How To Attract A Better Relationship

Why people cheat, is not a subject by itself, as much as it seems that way.

Why it happens isn’t necessarily linked to relationships. Cheating happens ‘in’ relationships, but it doesn’t necessarily happen ‘because’ the person is in a relationship. It’s like other unhealthy patterns like gambling, drug addiction, comfort food eating, extreme exercise and workaholism: they happen ‘in’ relationships, but they don’t necessarily happen ‘because’ the person is in a relationship. Benita you’re being cryptic and mysterious, just tell us why people cheat!

This topic of why people cheat, is huge! I will come at it from lots of different angles in follow up articles on the subject. But the angle I’ll address in this article, is not actually an angle as such, but more of a fundamental, deep seated reason called childhood conditioning!

People cheat in relationships, for the same reason that they gamble in a relationship, for the same reason they take drugs in a relationship, because it is the coping mechanism they have learned from their parents or guardians.

Whether the child, now the adult, is told or not told that one of their parents cheated; whether they have found out themselves or they don’t have a clue, the child now the adult, will copy and paste the parent’s behaviour, into their own relationship.

But Benita, how do these things get copied when the person has no idea? Because like all behavioural, thinking and feeling patterns, a child gets conditioned in their upbringing and they have no idea that the conditioning is taking place, because they don’t yet have a questioning, objective mind to decide whether they will take it on, they just take it on.

Conditioning is not obvious, it goes under the radar of consciousness unless deliberately addressed and healed. Conditioning might be obvious to the observer of the person, but it is not obvious to the person.

We all get programmed with various behaviours and cheating could be one of them for you or somebody you care about. There are behavioural programs for everything: you have learnt how to act a certain way in public, because that’s what you learnt from your parents; you learnt to act a certain way in achievement and performance situations, because that’s what you learnt from your parents; you learnt to act a certain way with regards to your work ethic, because that’s what you learnt from your parents.

And of course, you possibly learnt to act a certain way, that is cheating, in challenging times in your relationship, because that’s what you learnt from your parents, because that’s how they acted in their own relationships, when they had challenging times.

I’m not saying that the parent ‘has to’ cheat, in order for the child to pick up on it and do so themselves. Sometimes the parent didn’t actually cheat, but they fantasized about cheating so seriously that they wished they did, and so the child acts out that unlived fantasy of the parent, in their adult relationship.

It can be that the grandparent of the child cheated, and the parent was brought up with super strict and punishing attitudes that prevented them from cheating in their relationship. However, the cheating pattern is still there. Just because the parent didn’t live out the cheating pattern, the child could live it out, because the pattern is unresolved from the grandparent’s time.

In general, a person who cheats, does so because they have learnt that coping mechanism from their parents.    

Generally, nobody wants to cheat. Generally, nobody goes into a relationship with the specific purpose of cheating on their new partner. It seems to happen that way. It doesn’t happen with their eyes closed, however, people ‘know’ when they’re cheating. The act isn’t excused because I’m saying they could have experienced ‘cheating conditioning’ as a child. But people don’t know why they’re cheating necessarily and would generally not put it down to childhood conditioning.

From “The Healing Show” Series #1: How To Attract A Better Relationship

If you’ve listened to my previous relationship recordings on problematic relationships, and felt that I’m aiming more negative things at males than females, I am waving the white flag here 🙂 Good men do exist and they are emotionally responsible.

Before I move on, I just want to explain what I mean by emotional responsibility.

Emotional responsibility means that when an emotion needs to be expressed, it happens, by one person showing the other person how they feel and by talking about their feelings.

Emotional responsibility means that when something is said by one person in the relationship, it is noted as being important by the other person and therefore, the subject is talked about in a fair and open way, with respect and nurturing of everyone’s feelings.

For example: If one person in the relationship says “We don’t spend enough time together”, the emotionally responsible thing for the other person to say is “Oh… you’re not happy… let’s talk about it… how do you feel?”.

An emotionally irresponsible thing for the other person to say is “You’re never happy… we’ll spend more time together soon… we already spend enough time together… you should be doing something else to occupy yourself”. Can you see the difference…?

An emotionally responsible attitude is one where the feeling is discussed, explored and potentially addressed. An irresponsible emotional attitude, is one where the feeling is dismissed or put down. I’m sure you’ve experienced this yourself.

There are indeed some emotionally responsible males out there, but they are in the minority, or rather, they ‘seem’ like they’re in the minority. Why is this? Because generally… men are ridiculed, by other men, when they’re observed to be emotionally sensitive and this can result in their hiding under tough exteriors.

It generally starts in the family, where young boys observe their father dismiss his or their own emotions or they directly experience their father telling them to stop crying or stop dwelling on something that’s upset them. Unfortunately, the majority of Father’s dismiss their own emotions, so their male child will dismiss their emotions too. This behaviour is passed on from one generation to the next. You could look in your own family or another’s family, for proof of this.

Unless a Father examines his behaviour and asks himself why he is pushing away his own emotions, he is very likely to pass on emotionally dismissive attitudes to his child.

Not communicating feelings, will then be further expressed by his son in the playground at school, and this behavior is likely to continue into adolescence and adulthood. Then what happens? The boy, now a man, will find himself in a romantic relationship and =still= isn’t communicating his feelings.

Most problems in relationships are due to problems in communication.

Women, in general, have better communication than men, because they are generally not discouraged to block their feelings like men are.

Emotionally sensitive men still come out of fathers who are emotionally blocked, but they often won’t let others see it unless they have stepped onto an honest path of self-discovery and I really mean this: an honest path of self-discovery where they address their family conditioning.

Getting back to the playground, you can tell in the school playground, that boys are very physical. Boys are often measured by other boys, in terms of how strong they are: physically strong and emotionally strong.

Now I just want to note something here: When I say ’emotionally strong’ I’m speaking from the average male’s perspective and referring to the outward projection of emotional strength where the male is likely to act like he isn’t affected by anything.

Returning to the playground, a boy is higher up on the social hierarchy if he is strong, but much lower on the hierarchy if he is viewed as weak, which is often described or teased as being ‘like a girl’. A boy who is not physically strong, is weak. A boy who is not emotionally strong (a boy who is not dismissive of his feelings) is weak.

Just checking you’re keeping track… A boy who is viewed as weak, has fewer friends and less social standing and they will often do anything they can to be viewed in a positive light by their peers, which often means that they’re forced to shut down their sensitive side to survive. How sad is that…

There are more good men out there than seems apparent, but they have been taught to shut down their emotions throughout their childhood conditioning.

Males might want to be more sensitive and more communicative, but they don’t know how to do it, because they weren’t encouraged or supported by their family and friends.

A guy who can hold onto his own emotional sensitivity amidst overwhelming peer pressure, and also provide emotional support and encouragement to all his friends is one that is TRULY emotional strong. And the reason I can vouch for this definition of a truly strong male and the reason why I know men like this exist, is because I’m with one of them, thankfully!

It wasn’t always that way though, I wasn’t born into the great relationship I’m in now. I used to go for men who seemed strong, but it took me years to grow ‘new eyes’ and SEE that projected strength meant a very insecure male who I could never emotionally rely on and whom I wanted to leave and did.

Back to the guy’s emotional experience… When a guy breaks up with his girl, you don’t often hear the other guys in the group say “let’s talk about what happened… tell us your feelings”. You’re more likely to hear “don’t worry about it mate, this will pass, let’s go and get a drink”. Now if this is the general treatment a male receives about his feelings, no wonder it seems that most men are unable to be emotionally responsible in their relationships.

To take this further… A group of emotionally blocked men will avoid one mans emotional turmoil, in fear that it will bring to the surface, their own buried and unresolved emotions. And nobody can get away with that… When you bury emotions they accumulate and become almost unbearable to deal with so it’s easier to block it out completely. This always leads to greater communication problems and physical illness later in life.

Fewer men are encouraged to be emotionally expressive, which causes the appearance and the existence of fewer men being emotionally responsible. It’s all about what is passed on from father to son, and the behaviours that are acceptable between men in our society.

Now how about the sensitive, gentle, aware, in tune, emotionally expressive male? What’s he likely to experience in his relationships?

He might experience his woman to be ‘like a man’: dismissive; emotionally or physically absent and difficult to talk to. An emotionally available man can attract a woman who is emotionally unavailable, because he attracts the behavior he is used to: from his emotionally unavailable mother or his emotionally unavailable father.

An emotionally responsible man deserves an emotionally responsible woman, especially after the effort he puts in, but he won’t attract that kind of woman, while his parental conditioning remains unaddressed. He won’t see what he needs to address with his parents, while he is involved with an emotionally irresponsible woman. And nothing will change for the better in his life until he says no to emotionally irresponsible women.

So… there are indeed emotionally responsible males out there and when they find an emotionally expressive girl, they will always help to create a better relationship, because… emotionally responsible males have better communication and respect for feelings which all relationships need. But when relationships get into trouble, it is generally because of communication problems and emotional irresponsibility, which in general, are acted out more often by men because they have been taught to suppress their emotions in their childhood.

Stuck In A Relationship You Feel You Can’t Leave?

Most people don’t get into a relationship in order to leave it. And relationships seem to put us under a magic spell, where as unfulfilling or destructive as they might be, we stay there.

We might do desperate things to keep an unhealthy relationship together. We might close ourselves off from our friends, family, our own intuition and close ourselves off to our own feelings, that if we listened to them, dictate that we should leave. But we don’t want to. Why?

Because we aren’t recognising our feelings and our pain. Our parents taught most of us to put our feelings aside, to stay in an unhappy situation and cope.

We need to feel our feelings and deem them as valid and important if we’re going to stay in relationships that we feel we can’t leave.