From Benita’s “Being Happier” Podcast
Series: RELATIONSHIPS – S01E13 – More Sex, Less Anxiety
More Sex, Less Anxiety
(For this message, my example is a heterosexual woman in a heterosexual relationship, but do change the gender and the type of relationship according to your experience, to help this message apply to you.)
If a person is in a relationship, but not getting enough ‘loving’ sex, or not having sex at all, they’re going to get anxious and the anxious feeling will grow over time the longer sex isn’t had in the relationship.
A woman will feel more anxious if she hasn’t had sex for a year, compared to if she hasn’t had sex for a month, because she will start pondering on different possibilities about why sex isn’t happening, or when and if it will happen again!
That anxious feeling grows, the longer the repeated interval between sex. So if a woman desires loving sex on a daily or weekly basis, but her partner is happy with sex on a monthly basis, she is likely to only get sex every month. Not always, but it tends to be the person who wants sex less, who controls the sex.
At the end of a five year period, that woman would be much more anxious, than she was at the start of that relationship. This is because, at the end of one year, she has had 12 repetitions of waiting for sex, but at the end of five years, she’s had 60 repetitions.
At the mild end of the spectrum the woman is likely to experience Anxiety, while at the more severe end she is having Panic Attacks and it could even manifest as other mental and physical health problems.
I’m using a woman as my example, because women tend to feel their feelings more often and more readily, as compared to men. Women will get anxious before men, because they can feel their feelings easier. Men often express this ‘lack of sex’ anxiety by being withdrawn, non- verbal, physically absent or as anger.
There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with the woman who is feeling anxious (but also in a relationship). She doesn’t have anxiety as such, she is simply feeling an absence of emotional support, that is often expressed during mutually loving sex.
It could be argued that anxiety is not caused by an absence of sex, but because that person is lacking other meaningful activities in their life and yes, I understand this view.
If the person (by their own definition) did have a meaningful activity in their life, they could then apply themselves to something which would help lessen their anxiety in general. Meaningful activity can be found through an interest group, a regular class or maybe at work. The people in those places could then supplement the lack of support.
When you’re in a relationship, however, the meaningful activity is meant to be an adjunct or of equal standing to the relationship being had. The support from people outside the relationship, is not meant to be stronger than the support received from the person you’re having a relationship with, otherwise why be in it?
The level of support that a person receives in a relationship can be varied:
- The person can be supported financially.
- The person can feel supported because they’re doing activities together with their partner like outings or holidays.
- The person can feel supported in their relationship because they have children and therefore meaningful activity inside the relationship.
- The person can feel supported because they have a joint financial venture with their partner.
The raw emotion and the level of support a person feels when their partner desires them, when their partner is ‘IN’ love with them, and having sex with them, is unlike any other form of support, and cannot be achieved in any other way, through any other activity. I’ll say that again:
“The level of support you feel when you’re partner is having sex with you, is unlike any other form of support and can’t be achieved in any other way, except through sex.”
A woman who has sex with her partner, experiences a particular grade of support for her life, helping her feel like:
- There’s somebody experiencing and discovering her life with her;
- Someone is in touch with her deepest thoughts and feelings;
- She has security and company on her life’s journey, she’s not alone.
When a woman isn’t having enough sex in her relationship, especially when she wants sex more often than her partner, worse when she’s not having sex in her relationship at all, she will feel anxious. That anxiety she feels will continue to escalate the longer the problem remains unresolved.
The woman might also get told by her partner, that ‘her’ anxiety is ‘her’ problem and she needs to get it checked out. 95% of the time, he won’t realise nor will she realise, that she is anxious =because= he’s not having sex with her anymore.
A person needs sex in their relationship, to help them feel like they’re deeply supported in life. A person needs sex, to help them NOT feel anxious.
If a person is in a Relationship (R) and they’re feeling Anxious (A), it’s because Sex (S) isn’t happening enough or isn’t happening at all.
R – S = A
Every time, virtually no exception!
If sex isn’t happening enough or at all, the couple have a serious problem. It is NOT the responsibility of one person in the relationship to address the anxiety felt. It is not the woman’s responsibility to deal with her anxiety by herself, while her man continues to live a carefree life, because he considers himself irrelevant to the fact of her anxiety.
Life is meant to be happy. A relationship is meant to be happy. You are meant to feel deeply supported by your partner with regular sex. You are meant to feel secure and happy and deeply supported in your life.
Once again, if you’re gay or you’re a man reading this… Adjust one or both the genders above and see if this applies to you?